Life After Living With Addiction ~ Part 1

Contined from my Living With Addiction Series.

I guess from reading other posts in this blog you can tell I've been a pretty happy & busy girl the past couple three years.

I can't begin to imagine staying in that marriage with the way things were.

I look around at some people I know now who have family members with the same type of addiction, I don't know if they have the luxury I did. The luxury of turning their backs and walking away.

How does a brother, sister, mother or father tell their child or sibling to straighten up or get out, then when they don't, kick them out of their lives? Permanently? Turn their back on them and walk away?

As you know if you've read my series, it took a lot for me to turn my back and walk. It was the best thing I ever did for myself though. The freedom it offered me felt incredible. I knew my ex's problems were not my fault. These issues were around long before I was.

We, as the spouse or family member of the addict are not the cause of the addiction, please always remember that, no matter what you have been told.

The first thing I had to do was to learn how to be happy with me before anything else. I feel that if we are not happy with who we are we will never be happy in any type of relationship.

I had to discover who I was, what I was about. Life was now about ME.

Honestly, I had the best time discovering myself. I would walk the beach after work, rent any movie I wanted, and I found a new passion..

My new love was my camera. I found it so easy to find something to photograph no matter where I went. I would photograph ghost crabs on the beach, jelly fish, surfers, bike week events, you name it I took photos of it.

My camera was and still is with me 99% of the time.

I would be silly with my friends, go out and have fun with them. Work on my house, I actually painted the whole outside of my rental duplex for extra money. I had a good time doing it too.

I soon figured out I missed riding, I even thought about taking a motorcycle class and possibly getting my own bike one day. However I have severe arthritus and that just won't happen with hands the way they are.

My friends husband would take me out if she had to work, we were/are friends with Blackfoot and he and I rode to Sanford to see them Biketoberfest of 05. It was a blast.

Then one day I opened the Pennysaver and saw Mickey Jones would be in town for a St Jude benefit ride. I loved Mickey in Home Improvement, how cool! As for St. Jude? What better charity event is there? Lucky for me, my friend had to work and her husband said he would be my escort..

To Be Continued....

Living With Addiction ~ Part XVI ~ Freedom?

Continued from Living With Addiction ~ Part XV


It felt so good to have him out of my life, to be free of worry, free from his addiction, free from him ~ so to speak.



He promised he would help with money by paying my car insurance and he stuck to that promise.. However he would call me, a lot. I got sick of it, I didn't want to talk to him. I was happy for the first time in many years and when ever he would contact me via computer or phone it would put a dent in that happiness.


I began blocking him on the computer and not answering his calls, he threatened to stop the insurance payments unless "I was nice to him".


I was no longer falling for his emotional blackmail.


I wasn't going to let him run my life anymore.


I no longer had any feelings for this person anymore and had no desire to be in contact with him. He had screwed with my emotions too too many times and I was done with it.


He was true to his word (for once) and quit paying my insurance, since he lived up north I guess the notice went to him and not me so I was not aware that had been cancelled until I went to renew my car registration 6 months later. In the long run he cost me quite a bit on that little temper tantrum.


It was worth every single cent though.


In October I began filing for divorce. This is where I discovered how funny life is. It cost us $25.00 to obtain a marriage license in the state of CT. It cost me $350.00 to file for divorce in the state of FL. That's without any legal help. Why do you think this is??


(Not sure how much it costs to obtain a marriage license in FL)


It cost another $70/75 to have him served in CT by one of their State Marshall's. Once I got verification he was served all I had to do was wait for a court date.

Of course, he was not thrilled with being served with divorce papers and swore that he would have one of his fathers lawyers stop the divorce. Knowing then what I did, I called his bluff and dared him to try. At this point I had more then drug abuse to fight him back with and no judge in the world would have listened to him. I almost wish he would have made good on that threat. Heck the Judge would have probably thrown him in the loony bin...


The afternoon of December 1, 2005 I walked into the judges chambers to finalize everything. It was very different then my first divorce.. The judge asked "Are you sure.." and I said "Yes" very sure of myself and that was it.

I left the courthouse feeling better then I had felt in a long time. As I crossed the Main Street bridge there was a American Bald Eagle flying low over my car, now kids, if that isn't a sign I don't know what is!

There is one last post to come one how happy I still am and how improved my life has become.. stay tuned! I am super busy right now so it may take me a little while to get it to you, but it will come!




Past Posts in this series:


Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II


Living With Addiction ~ Part III
Living With Addiction ~ Part IV


Living With Addiction ~ Part V
Living With Addiction ~ Part VI


Living With Addiction ~ Part VII
Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII


Living With Addiction ~ Part IX
Living With Addiction ~ Part X


Living With Addiction ~ Part XI
Living With Addition ~ Part XII


Living With Addition ~ Part XIII
Living With Addiction ~ Part XIV


Living With Addiction ~ Part XV

Living With Addiction ~ Part XV

Continued from Living With Addiction ~ Part XIV ...


It was either 3 yrs ago today or tomorrow when my ex packed up a small U-haul trailer and our two dogs and left for his hometown up north. That was one of the best/worst days of my life.

He had made me a deal, he would pay my car insurance to help me make my bills. I thought that was the least he could do for me after what he put me through.

Before they all left, I sat on the floor in the corner of my bedroom and held Shadow tight and just cried.

(The ex offered to let Shadow stay with me, but that damn dog loved him so much she would get depressed when he was out of town. How could I keep her away from him? I'm just not that selfish.)

Shadow had enough of my blubbering after a couple minutes and went bounding out of the bedroom, unaware what was happening.


I of course continued to cry and he came in to cry to console me. I told him to just leave, go... I didn't want him near me.

I guess he thought I was sad at him leaving, (yeah, he was that into himself) I was sad at the fact Shadow was leaving. She had been in our lives since she was old enough to leave her mama, 6 or 7 weeks old. Just a tiny black ball of fur, raised by two cats.

I remained on the floor for a good 15 minutes after I heard the car pull away, making sure it wouldn't return. I didn't want my last memory of Shadow to be seeing her in that car pulling away.

Once I was sure they were gone for good I jumped up from the floor and started to clean house. No, I don't mean with a broom, I mean with strength I didn't know I had.

The first thing to go? The bedding! I had purchased new bedding with my Christmas bonus and had it in my trunk. Any furniture he left behind, I pulled right out the front door straight to the street.

My visiting girlfriend was still here, she thought at first she would help, but decided to stay out of my way. (She later told me I had scared her.) I was a woman on a mission. I did find quite a few of his things that I boxed up and put in my outside storage in case he ever noticed it missing.

I wasn't done until the house no longer looked like he ever lived there. It felt damn good, When I was done, I felt like a ton of weight had been taken from my shoulders. I felt free for the first time since 1989. (the year I met my first husband)

My father was coming soon too. I was so looking forward to it. I would no longer be embarrassed of my home or anything else in my life.

A new year and a new life were waiting for me... but I didn't have him totally out of my life just yet...

Past Posts in this series:

Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III
Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V
Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII
Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Living With Addiction ~ Part IX
Living With Addiction ~ Part X

Living With Addiction ~ Part XI
Living With Addition ~ Part XII

Living With Addition ~ Part XIII
Living With Addiction ~ Part XIV

Living With Addiction ~ Part XIV

In Living With Addition ~ Part XIII, I told you how I finally got the courage to tell my ex I wanted out of the marriage. He was using again and of course denying it, even when I confronted him with the evidence.


Since I was the one who wanted out, I would be the one moving out. We weren't paying a lot for our half of the duplex we were living in, at least by Volusia County standards. I began looking for a place of my own, and looking and looking.



I had until after Christmas to find a place, he wanted me to stay thru the holidays and dummy me gave in. I figured this way I had time to look.

It really began to frustrate me, both living with him and not being able to find a place I could afford. He was basically driving me nuts, the only time I wanted to be home was when he wasn't there. On the weekends I would hit the beach the minute I woke up and hope he would be at work when I got home.

Then one day around Thanksgiving, I had about given up hope on finding a place to live, when he told me he was moving back north.

Yes!! I didn't have to move! He was leaving a couple days after Christmas.

It shouldn't be too bad, my girlfriend from NY was coming for the holiday so I wouldn't be alone with him. The only bad part about him leaving was he would be taking Shadow our cocker spaniel and Noel, the lab/shepherd mix. Other then that, I couldn't wait for him to go.

My girlfriend arrived Christmas eve in Jacksonville, delayed of course. We got back to the house late, don't really remember what we did.

Christmas morning, the little kid in me woke early as she does every year and got the rest of the house up for coffee and presents. I then began making our Christmas meal. As our meal was cooking, my girlfriend and I decided to watch Pay Per View all day in our pajamas.

They had a good selection of movies on, even some Christmas ones. So as I was baking our bird I was also snuggled in my recliner with Shadow in my Christmas PJs enjoying a very lazy day. We decided to make it a tradition. Christmas in PJS!

My friend had a friend in Jacksonville, he came down for dinner and I believe spent the night as he ate too much turkey to go home safely. My girlfriend is a baker, she bakes the best treats, no scratch that, the yummiest treats and made us wonderful homemade truffles for dessert. It was a good meal for sure.

Even though it was a semi tense Christmas it wasn't a bad one. The ex was on his best behavior. We were all friends for the moment and were able to put aside our differences for the holiday.

Just a couple days left now in this marriage from hell, but not the end of the story....

Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III
Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V
Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII
Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Living With Addiction ~ Part IX
Living With Addiction ~ Part X

Living With Addiction ~ Part XI
Living With Addition ~ Part XII
Living With Addition ~ Part XIII

Living With Addition ~ Part XIII

Continued from Living With Addition ~ Part XII

When I started this series I thought it would only go about 5 or 6 posts. I had no idea it would grow to become the monster it did.

Hurricanes Charley and Frances had come through the Daytona area and did a pretty good job of uprooting homes, property and lives.

They made me realize what was important in life and what was trivial. Hurricane Jeanne was on her way now, she was a small storm compared to the last two, but I had had enough.

At some point that September of 2004, I don't remember if it was between Frances and Jeanne or after, the ex fell but he wouldn't admit it. I busted him dead to rights too.


You see, when he used, he would fall asleep sitting up, straight up, right smack in the middle of doing something. Then, he would jerk awake and continue doing whatever it was he was doing when he fell asleep. For instance, lighting a cigarette.

Once I saw this I waited for my chance to search the house, when I got that chance I found the evidence. The container of liquefied drugs he would inject with a needle just like he used to do.

Yes, I went ballistic. I put the container back and waited for him to return home.

When he did, I waited for him to go in the bathroom and take "his time" in there. When he came out I confronted him with the container once he started to "nod off".

He back peddled as hard as he could, I wouldn't hear any of it. He tried to tell me it was allergy pills. He thought I was that dumb.

Even the people at the meetings were telling me he was back using again. I wasn't even going to the meetings and word was getting back to me. (I did go to his 1 year anniversary meeting, some people there thought that he didn't deserve that one year chip. This happened between hurricanes Frances and Jeanne too.)

This stopped for a couple weeks, then one night we were trying to decide between pizza and Wendy's for dinner. He didn't want to go pick up so we were going to get pizza. His sponsor called, he told his sponsor he had a headache, the next thing I knew he was more then willing to go get Wendy's.

Yeah, I was born yesterday.. The next day I found the container of liquid in a new hiding place in the bathroom.

I told him that night I wanted out. He cried, he swore he wasn't using. I told him I didn't believe him, I saw the proof, he couldn't hide it from me. I didn't love him anymore, it was time for me to go.


Addicts don't get it.


They think we're blind to their actions and even after 7 years of watching them we don't see what they are doing. They will lie through their teeth to get what they want from you, to get you to do what they want. Only you can break that cycle.


I was about to do that very thing...



Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II


Living With Addiction ~ Part III
Living With Addiction ~ Part IV


Living With Addiction ~ Part V
Living With Addiction ~ Part VI


Living With Addiction ~ Part VII
Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII


Living With Addiction ~ Part IX
Living With Addiction ~ Part X


Living With Addiction ~ Part XI
Living With Addition ~ Part XII

Living With Addition ~ Part XII

Continued from Living With Addiction ~ Part XI

No sooner did we get power restored and our county partially cleaned up from Hurricane Charley then another hurricane came knocking on our door.

Hurricane Frances decided to grace us with her presence for 3 very long days during Labor Day Weekend. Although she wasn't a very strong hurricane, since she remained over us for 3 days

with continued winds and rain she caused more damage in our area then Hurricane Charley even thought about doing.

This is poor Shadow trying to do her thing in hurricane force winds..

Of course with Hurricane Charley still very fresh in our memory, the ex didn't even think about leaving me alone.

At this point however, I didn't care if he left or not. In fact, after the first day of us being couped up in the house and now having no power I asked him to go where ever he wished.

By the second day, I actually asked him to get me out of the house too, that's when I took these photos.

After seeing this street signal in the middle of US 1 and feeling the actual force of the winds, I didn't like not being home with the animals and asked him to take me back home.

He didn't know that I was considering getting out of our marriage yet.

I remember when I got back to the house and he left, sitting there with the dogs and cats I liked being home without him.

I had not as of yet made up my mind though.

Once the storm was over, it was time for me to get out of the house and I went Beachside to check on our office.

Our building was still standing, but heavily damaged. We had lost the roof. We would be closed for at least a month, like other Beachside business's

I believe it actually took 3 weeks to restore power to the Beachside after Frances came through. Even if we could work in our office, we wouldn't have power.

Luckily we have 3 offices and I was able to work out of another one.

Back at home, my birthday was coming up once again. I was still not celebrating it after the events of 9/11/01.

The ex wanted to do something with me to make up for the year before but after what I been through the last year and two major hurricanes he was the last person I wanted to be with on my birthday.

I wanted to go to Marineland and just spend the whole day there watching the dolphins, alone. What I didn't know until I got there was that Hurricane Frances also did heavy damage to Marineland and it was shut down.

I was halfway to St. Augustine, so I just continued north. I got myself some good ice cream there some cheapie jewelry and had a nice day.

Little did I know a third hurricane was on the way along with a relapse and my way out.

Living With Addiction ~ Part I

Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III

Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V

Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII

Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Living With Addiction ~ Part IX

Living With Addiction ~ Part X

Living With Addiction ~ Part XI

Living With Addiction ~ Part XI

This is a continuing series I have been doing about what it was like living with my ex husband, who was addicted to prescription pain medicine. So far he has done things like throw himself down a flight of stairs, set his hand on fire, and shot himself in the stomach to get pain pills.

The last post I did he was active in Alcoholics Anonymous and seemed to be making an effort to stay sober after what seemed an accidental OD on Ultram in February of 2004.

Over the summer I would go very early to the beach on the weekends and leave about the time it would start to get crowded and hot. I started to look forward to those days of quiet, just me and the ocean though I didn't know why.

Things at the house had been going very well. He was going to work, going to his meetings and staying sober, but something was changing.

Then Friday, August 13th came along. We were prepared, but how prepared can one be for a hurricane? The day before Hurricane Charley decided it was going to move towards SW Florida and come across the state and exit at Daytona Beach. All this was to happen on Friday the 13th.

The morning of Friday the 13th, Charley hit SW Florida as a Cat 4 hurricane. (at one point it did hit a cat. 5 for a few minutes) It devastated the town of Punta Gorda then began coming towards us and I was terrified.


The ex was still at the Salvation Army and had to go to work. He was going to leave me home alone and go to work. He wasn't making much more then minimum wage, it wasn't like this was a real important job. I was livid. How dare he even think about leaving me home alone with the animals while this monster storm was bearing down on us.

He left at about 4PM, the outer bands were just coming in, I wouldn't even talk to him. I just sat with the news on and my computer up watching every move Charley was making on his march across the state.

Two hours later the ex was home, I was very relieved so were the animals. I understand there isn't anything he could do to make the storm stay away, however I didn't want to be alone.

Charley finally hit us around 10PM and was gone by 11PM. We lost power around 1015 and I went to bed and believe it or not went right to sleep. My dad called from TX to tell me the storm had passed and couldn't believe I was asleep.

For some reason at some point after the storm had passed we had to go to the ER again. I only remember because we had no power and it had only been 2 days & I was waiting in my car because I was angry at him about this ER trip. I remember sitting in my car and listening to the radio, I remember people calling in complaining they had no power and how angry I got at them.

People had no homes left, some had no roof on their house, some lost their lives, and these people who have a roof and a small inconvenience of no power are whining.

That ER trip, for whatever reason we went, was the last ER trip I made with him. This was the beginning of the end of everything I worked to save over the last year.

Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III
Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V
Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII
Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Living With Addiction ~ Part IX
Living With Addiction ~ Part X

Living With Addiction ~ Part X

Continued from Living With Addiction ~ Part IX

At some point after that ER trip in January my ex lost his job that had brought us to Florida.

It was really no big deal, I couldn't stand his boss or the boss's wife. Funny thing looking back now, my ex wasn't much different from them.

His birthday fell around NASCAR's biggest race, the Daytona 500 and I was able to get him a ticket and he was invited to go with our friends.

He was like a kid in a candy store. I figured he deserved it. He had a whole new attitude and was attending the AA meetings every day, talking with his sponsor, doing what was right.

So I thought...

He had a blast at the race, came home all smiles and exhausted, all of them were smiles. I don't remember who won, but I remember everyone had a good time. He was exhausted though, he been at the track since 8am and it was about 8pm so he went straight to bed.

Thirty minutes later I heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom, at first I thought it was Shadow, the cocker spaniel snoring. When I heard it again I went in and looked and it was the ex having breathing trouble, almost chocking.

I took his head off the pillow and tilted his head back so his airway would have a less restricted passage and once again called the same friends I called the last two times, the very same friends he was with that day. (I did call his sponsor also, but no answer) Our friends advised me to call another friend that had 11 yrs sober and 911.

Yep, here we go again..

The friend I called said he would meet me at the ER.

I had the EMT's take my ex to a closer ER, I wasn't about to make the same mistake I did last time.

The EMT's asked what he was taking and I gave them every bottle of medicine that he had. At this point he was back on the Depicote along with anxiety meds and something else that I can't think of right now.

I was asked to wait in the waiting room, while checking him in they asked me what he was taking and I told them they had everything.

It seemed they didn't believe me.

Our friend showed up and we waited maybe 10 minutes before being called in. (making the total wait 20 minutes) The Dr. met us in the hall, I gave him the OK to talk in front of the friend explaining his presence and he told us my ex had overdosed on something called Ultram.

I knew that Ultram was a prescription pain medicine, what I didn't know that it was in the narcotic family and that it was a synthetic type of morphine, or that he was taking it. I'm sure my ex knew it was a narcotic.

I was shocked, but not angry. Why? Who knows. When we walked into the the room he was totally alert and smiling, yes.. smiling. He was surprised to see our friend, but happy that I had called him.

I remember my ex specifically asking our friend with 11 yrs sobriety if he had to pick up a *white chip because of what happened and our friend said "no.. you made a mistake"

The ex's story was he had a headache from all the noise at the track and he had taken 4 Ultram instead of 2. We believed him at that moment, I don't believe it now, I don't think our friend ever did.

*(In AA, when you first join or return to "drinking or drugging" then go back "in to the rooms" you pick up a white chip)

When we got home, he actually seemed to be thankful that I saved his life, he seemed truly scared he almost died that night. I think it really hit home a few weeks later when his own sponsor died suddenly of a heart attack while at work.

Things were OK until summer, he found work at the Salvation Army, it didn't pay well but it was work. He got a new sponsor who I never met and still attending his meetings regularly. He appeared to be working the steps and doing what he was supposed to be to get well.

It was the beginning of the end though....

Living With Addiction ~ Part I

Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III

Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V

Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII

Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Living WIth Addiction ~ Part IX

Continued From Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

A new year (2004) has begun and with that new hurdles are put up.

One evening my ex was taking a nap, I don't remember what prompted me to go in to the bedroom but I noticed something was not right. His lips were very pale, he was breathing, but not breathing right.

I tried to wake him, he wouldn't wake up. I attempted to call his sponsor and got voice mail, I left a message then called the same friends I called back in September. They were near by and came right over. They had me call 911, at this point his lips were blue.


The EMT's asked where to take him, I didn't know any better, still only a year new to the area had them take him back to the same hospital he was in back in September.

Apparently he "came to" on the trip to the hospital and was not happy to be at the same hospital that put him in a rehab facility after a psychiatric ward.
They would only allow two of us to go into the ER with him, my friends husband and I went in. Apparently my friends husband (dressed in his leathers and do-rag) made the hospital staff nervous along with my ex's behavior, a security guard also came in.

At some point we got it out of my ex that his "head hurt", the Dr. wouldn't treat him until he did a drug test. After all, the hospital knows my ex's past.. He did the drug test and passed, nothing was there that wasn't supposed to be there, however my ex was really mad he had to take one.

The Dr. would only offer him over the counter head ache medicine to help his headache, this upset the ex even more. He began to cause more of a scene. We were then asked to leave the ER and hospital.

The four of us decided to go to another ER that was less busy and wouldn't treat the ex like a leper was treated back in the 1600's.

Upon arrival at the 2nd ER, we filled out the paperwork, he was brought in right away. He told the Dr. EVERYTHING that happened at the first hospital and how upset it made him. Boom, here came a security guard to the waiting room.

The Dr. called the 1st hospital to confirm his story, the security guard watched us in the waiting room, a male nurse sat with my ex and they talked. Everything was fine. The security guard left, I got called in to the room, my ex was calm, the Dr was friendly.

The Dr. gave my ex a neck brace, it seemed to relieve pressure. He was also not going to give any type of narcotic to my ex, however he had a better bedside manner and made my ex feel like a member of the human race again.

We never did find out what caused this first trip of the year to the ER, but if you come back you will find out what caused the 2nd ER trip the next month......
Living With Addiction ~ Part I

Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III

Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V

Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII

Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Photo courtesy of Deviantart

Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Continued from Living With Addiction ~ Part VII

It's now October of 2003, we're in a new rental home, his scars are beginning to heal and he is attending AA meetings with a temporary sponsor. I mentioned in Part VI at one point he felt he didn't have a drug problem and he was angry that people thought he did.

It was suggested that he go to AA instead of NA for reasons I can't discuss, I can't tell you if I think things would have been different either way. It was a fight throughout the month of October for him to go to the meetings.

It really sucked that I would actually have to throw in his face what he did in September, I hate to do things like that. It got him angry, but he would go to the meetings and I would go with him. I would watch his face to see if he was "getting any of it".

Finally, he found a permanent sponsor, a man named Dave. Dave had been through the same addictions my ex has and then some. It seemed like a good match. The ex began going to meetings 7 days a week and seemed to be "getting it". He began to spend a lot of time with Dave his sponsor and began "working the steps".

December came and my office always collected canned goods for a local charity, this year we decided to collect for a family that rented from our office that had really hit some hard times.

The food we collected for them was specifically for a Christmas dinner, then we also got small toy presents for their grandchildren that just moved in with them recently.

The office heard my ex had access to a Santa suit and decided him and I needed to be part of a "miracle". We were to play Santa and Mrs. Claus with the food and deliver the food to their home just before Christmas Day. We were up for that.

We loaded the SUV with all the food and drove over to the house. My ex, a rather short skinny Santa knocked on the door with one box of food as I waited at the truck. They knew me, I wanted them to be surprised so I waited before I brought my box in.

As we brought more and more food in and the games and toys for the children, they did realize who I was and figured out where their dinner came from. The tears flowed and the thank yous came.

It was not only going to be a Merry Christmas for them but for us as well.



More To Come . . . .





Living With Addiction ~ Part I

Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III

Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V

Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII

Continued from Living With Addiction ~ Part VI..

When I last left you hanging, we had been evicted with 2 weeks to find a new home and my ex was beginning AA meetings. He had just come home from the hospital.


I mentioned in Part IV that I had dug the bullet out of the bed so that he would see it when he got home, "a reminder of what he did that day and how it affected me". Mind you, the bullet was squished from going through him and the mattress, at this point it was a small chuck of metal. I had left it on top of a shelf above the kitchen sink.



Supposedly he didn't see it right away, I think it took him a few days. We were both in the kitchen when he allegedly first spied it on the shelf. He picked it up and asked why it was there, I told him the hard truth and it "upset" him. He said that he never wanted to see it again and threw it as hard as he could from the back door into the yard.

I don't think he got it, do you?

As luck would have it, our friendly neighbors across the street spotted a rental and told us about it. We went to look at it and it wasn't bad. We called the owner, told him about ALL the pets, not a problem he said. Within 2 days we were writing a lease.

The move was at the last minute, we were finished at midnight on the final day of our notice. Our new house was a duplex, smaller then the beachside bungalow we were renting but I already liked it more. Perhaps this is what we needed... A new start..

Maybe things were going to finally get better?

To Be Continued...

Living With Addiction ~ Part I

Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III

Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V

Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Continued from Living With Addiction ~ Part V

My girlfriend and her fiance (at the time) that came the night of he shot himself is a member of "The Program" better known as AA. They wanted to help my ex rise above all this. They had been beating addiction for awhile now and thought he could do it too. He was willing to go to a Friday "Speaker Meeting", I was too. It was going to be a two person battle, I wasn't going to give up just yet.

A couple days before this meeting, I called the house ~ no answer. I called a couple more times, still no answer. Becoming suspicious and working close to home, I went to the house, pulling up in time to see him getting out of a taxi with a prescription bag in his hand.

Needless to say ~ Pissed Off didn't begin to describe what I was feeling. I went back to work fuming. When I got home that night he was sober, he told me he flushed the pills. He saw how hurt and angry I was. I don't know if it is was true or not, I do know I saw no drub abuse at that time.

Just when I thought things may start to smooth out, I got called into a closed door meeting at the office by the company Broker/Owner, the bookkeeper and my office manager. I thought oh no, now what did I do?

Property Management had to tell the homeowner of the house we were renting of the incident. The gardner/landscaper as I mentioned before was scared to mow the lawn and our next door neighbors called the office and said we screamed at each other every weekend. (This coming from a woman that dragged her young son around by the arm all the while screaming at him?)

The homeowner wanted him out and the Broker/Owners lawyer also advised her that it was in her best interest that my ex move out. In looking at our lease we discovered I was not on it, why? I had no idea. I thought I was. Had I been on the lease I could have stayed, mind you that would not have happened, but it was nice to know I wasn't the one being kicked out.

Once again, I had lost control of my life, we had 15 days to find a new home and move. We had 2 dogs, 3 cats and 1 job. We weren't sure if he would have a job when he was allowed to go back to work and living in FL isn't exactly cheap.

The next night our friends picked us up for the Friday Speaker Meeting in Daytona. This is when his denial set in. He was very going through the motions, pretending to listen, doing what was expected of him, trying to fake me out. I was forewarned of this, I don't know that he actually picked up his white chip at this meeting or the next one he went to.

His anger was soon to set in though. In his eyes he had no problem, no addiction. He didn't need to go to those meetings. This didn't happen til after we moved though.

Still More To Come....

Image Courtesy Of Recovery-world.com

Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II
Living With Addiction ~ Part III
Living With Addiction ~ Part IV
Living With Addiction ~ Part V

Living With Addiction ~ Part V

..Continued From Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Once he was let out of ICU he was admitted the hospitals Psychiatric Ward. There his new doctor evaluated him and called me on a daily basis.


I explained to the new doctor what went on in New York and how well things went with the old doctor, the Bi-Polar diagnosis, the meds he was on then etc.. It was then this doctor asked me to come in to meet with him and my ex.

My ex wasn't cooperating, he would just lay in bed and feel sorry for himself. The new doctor thought maybe I could get him out of bed and on the way to recovery. All my ex wanted was pain killers. After all he had major surgery to repair the damage that bullet did and a 12 inch incision to show for it, plus an entrance and exit wound.

Apparently the only time my ex would get out of bed was when it was med time and to use the restroom. He knew exactly what time he would get his pain killers, and like a dog begging for a bone he would be at the nurses station for those pills




I agreed to go in, and keep my anger in check. Even though it was September 11th, 2003, my birthday. Our honeymoon was to be in 2 weeks, a cruise someone gave us as a wedding present. I couldn't reschedule the cruise because of the timing, the tickets had just been issued. Not even with a doctors note.


I go meet with him and the doctor, I don't remember that particular conversation. I do remember the ex had nothing to say. He sat there trying to make us feel sorry for him. The next day, the doctor phoned me to tell me that he didn't feel my ex was Bi-Polar. He didn't show the classic signs. He told me my ex is addicted to pain meds and needs to go to Stewart Marchman for rehab, and that was where he was sending him when he was released from the hospital.

Dummy me, still not wanting to believe, even after I all had been through told the doctor that my ex didn't need to go to Stuart Marchman, he needed to go home. Oh my ex was good all right. All addicts are when they want you to believe something. They can fool a lot of smart people.

The doctor led us to believe he would come home instead of going to rehab, then about 2 weeks into this ordeal I get a phone call from my ex saying he is at the rehab center. He's upset, he feels betrayed, he wants to go home.

I bring him some clothes, after all he went to the hospital with nothing. I tell him he just needs to do what is asked of him, then he can come home.

10:00 that night, a knock on the door, it's him... he tricked them into letting him come home and took a cab.

I couldn't keep this secret from my neighbors, my work, or my landlord. We rented from the same place I worked. My neighbors that I knew and company were supportive, very supportive. However 1 neighbor, (who I thought about calling DCF on) told lies to our Property Management office about us and our landscaper was "afraid" to come mow the lawn now...

More To Come...

Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II
Living With Addiction ~ Part III
Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Photo courtesy of Deviantart

Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Continued from Living With Addiction Part III

I don't remember sleeping that night. I remember it was around midnight before we got back to my friends house from the hospital. I just wanted to get home to the animals, mainly the dogs.

My girlfriend took me home early the next morning to let them out and feed them, then off to the airport to get my mom. At some point during all the chaos of the evening before, Mom had called his family up north to let them know what happened. She told them she was on the way and would let them know if they needed to come out too.







We went from the airport to the hospital and ICU. We stood outside ICU with the nurse assigned to him for a moment and talked. The minute he knew we were there, the moaning began again.





I asked the nurse if he had been doing this all night, she said no. I think it was then the realisation of what was happening hit me. I don't know this for fact, but I believe deep in my soul he did this for pain killers.

I didn't want to stay any longer, I wanted to go home. I had someone coming to look at the bed to see if it could be cleaned. In this day and age with blood labeled a bio-hazard it was going to be a pain to get rid of it without an explanation.

Meanwhile, my girlfriend had made arrangements for my mom to stay at a local condotel on the beach. They decided no one should sleep in the house. Again, I had no say, and no will to fight them.

Mom had called his family up north, gave them an update. "No, don't come. He is in good hands at the hospital, all you would be doing is sitting in the ICU ward." Thank you mom...

We got to the house, my friend that cleans carpets and sofas showed up, "nope, we can't get that out, best to get a new bed. Why did he do that?? I had no answer, what was I going to say? I wasn't sure at that the time myself.

Mom didn't want me to sleep in that bed, she wanted me with her that night. Once again I couldn't sleep. I wanted to be home. I didn't care about the bed.

We stopped by the hospital once a day for a few minutes. The same thing would happen every time, the moaning when he knew we were close, it would stop when he thought we were gone. We got a new bed, I had to cut out the ruined portions of the old bed before it was to be picked up and put them in plastic to be disposed of another way.


Before I cut the bed up, I dug the bullet out. I was angry, he was going to see it when he got home, a reminder of what he did that day and how it affected me and the animals. We had new kittens, 4 months or so old at the time, probably under the bed when it happened.

I was angry alright, he could have hit one of them in his selfishness. Where was Shadow when he did this anyway? What if he hit our cocker? Noel was in her crate, she was ok...I thought my world had been turned upside down, but things were about to get even worse..

To Be Continued...

Living With Addiction ~ Part I
Living With Addiction ~ Part II
Living With Addiction ~ Part III

Photo courtesy of Deviantart

Living With Addiction ~ Part II

This is part 2 in what will probably be a 6 - 10 part post on my life living with a prescription pill addict.

Yesterday I posted Living With Addiction ~ Part 1 and left you with the fact that the doctors would believe there was pain, and would find reasons for the pain every time we would visit the ER or doctors office.

At one point he was referred to a specialist who diagnosed my ex with Bi-Polar disorder. The doctor placed my ex on all sorts of medication to treat the disorder, including klonopin to treat a "panic disorder" on top of the bi-polar. Things actually went very well with this doctor. He was no nonsense and what he told me made sense.

I looked up everything I could on the internet on Bi-polar disorder. A lot of what I read fit with the behavior I lived with. The mood swings, etc.. there were also things that did not fit, he never talked real fast and there was also one other thing that did not fit, but one doesn't have to have every symptom.

While under this doctors care, the pain pill issue seemed to have disappear completely too. However, like I said, there were those 3 days every week in New York City so there is no telling what happened then.

We planned our upcoming wedding and unexpected move to Florida. Unfortunatley the good doctor didn't move with us...

He did try to find another doctor like the one he had in NY, but even I didn't like the ones here. I can't remember the isssues we had with them now though. Maybe he or we didn't try hard enough.

Things quickly ran downhill within months of arriving here in Florida~ he threw himself down a set of stairs at work, set his hand on fire, just to name a couple things ~ just to get high. The stair incident got him Oxycontin by the way, he would go through 30 pills in about 4 days.

From there it from bad to worse...

To Be Continued...

Living With Addiction ~ Part I

Photo courtsey of Deviantart

Living With Addiction ~ Part I

I lived with addiction for years, I am writing about it now for a couple reasons...


1. I hope writing about it will help me relieve some of the anger I still harbor inside.

2. I hope that I can help just one person in my situation overcome the hell they are living in.

The 2nd person I married was a prescription pill addict. He would do incredibly stupid things to get his "fix". In the beginning I was either blind, stupid or just plain unwilling to see the truth on what was going on in our lives.


We lived together in (NY state) for quite some time before we actually got married. There were several trips to the doctors, several trips to the pharmacy's, and several ER trips. He had a Dr. in "his pocket" that would pretty much give him whatever he wanted at one point. Once a month he would get Demerol for his so called headaches and a continuous prescription of vicaden.

In New York state, doctors have to turn over certain prescriptions like Demerol to a certain authority this way the certain authority knows that the doctor is not over prescribing the drug to people like my ex. The prescription is actually written in triplicate. I guess you could say they have a prescription drug watch dog. I'm sure they have the same requirements for Oxycontin. This is why he could only get Demerol once a month. He would liquefy the Demerol and inject it with a hypodermic needle and proceed get high.

The injection sight would often become infected as he didn't put a lid over the liquefied Demerol, and contaminants would get into it. On four occasions the infections became immune to antibiotics and had he to be operated on...

Oh goody! More Drugs!

I believe at some points the friendly drug doctor had cut him off looking back now. Things could be quiet for months at a time. You see we lived about 2.5 hours north of New Your City, however he went there pretty much every week for work. I didn't know what was up when he was there.

Of course, when he would get desperate, something would happen so he could get his drugs.
I remember one occasion, waking up in the middle of the night hearing a man saying "SIR?" repeatedly. Shadow, our cocker was barking wildly and blue lights shining on and off in my bedroom. We kept a 357 and Colt 45 in the house then and both loaded, I didn't even think to grab one when I put on my robe and went to the top of the stairs.

I yelled down, "What's going on?!?!"

A familiar face poked his head around the corner, and he replied, "Police Ma'am, are you alone up there?" Good thing I didn't grab one of the guns huh?


Long story short, I was alone upstairs, my ex was laying face down on the floor downstairs with the phone in his hand and the glass was broken out of our coffee table. The police thought there was an intruder.

I knew the police and EMT's because of my job and the fact that we lived in a very small village.
The EMT's offered to let me go to the hospital with him in the ambulance, I declined. I said I would meet him there. The doctor in the ER said he had a severe migraine and some sort of issue with a vessel in his eye. He prescribed loratab and imatrex. The imatrex was not covered by insurance and loratab is generic & therefor cheap so I picked up the 2nd. The imtrex was $100.00 for 3 tablets and was a relatively new drug for migraines at this time.

This was one of the problems though, every time we went to the ER the doctors would back him up with his pain complaint.

To Be Continued...

Living With Addiction ~ Part II

Living With Addiction ~ Part III

Living With Addiction ~ Part IV

Living With Addiction ~ Part V

Living With Addiction ~ Part VI

Living With Addiction ~ Part VII

Living With Addiction ~ Part VIII

Living With Addiction ~ Part IX

Living With Addiction ~ Part X

Living With Addiction ~ Part XI

Living With Addition ~ Part XII

Living With Addition ~ Part XIII

Living With Addiction ~ Part XIV

Living With Addiction ~ Part XV

Living With Addiction ~ Part XVI ~ Freedom?

Life After Living With Addiction ~ Part 1

Life After Living With Addiction ~ The End!

Photo courtsey of Deviantart